This was written early last week, but I still want to document how I was feeling at the time. I’m happy to say that this phase has too passed – phew (for now)!
These past few weeks have been some of the most trying in recent memory. Noelle has been extra clingy – she’s always been a mama’s girl, but I can’t even remember the last time she was this dependent on me (maybe 18-months?). We are also dealing with multiple night wakings at the same time. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope sometimes, and being full blown pregnant isn’t helping my cause. She will not let me out of her sight, and I’ve told my husband more than once that sometimes I feel like I’m being held hostage. One of her favorite commands is, “mommy sit!”
Because I’m so far along in my pregnancy now, I’ve been trying not to hold her as much, so she’ll get her dad to hold her. Once she’s in his arms though, she’ll insist on holding my hand. It’s not good enough if I’m just following behind, or in her line of sight, so I walk alongside her, hand in hand. Yes it’s endearing, but it can also be exhausting. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, did I do something that made her need me this much? Why isn’t she more secure? I’ve done everything I could to protect her and love her, what more can I possibly do? Where have I failed her? I know one day I’ll miss this, but these days all I feel is exhaustion. I feel nothing I do is good enough.
Won’t let go of my finger
I also wonder if it’s because she knows she’s going to have to share my attention soon. Can 2-year olds really understand what it means when we tell her she’s going to have a baby brother soon? With the baby due soon, I’m getting really nervous about how Noelle will adjust. I think about my desire to have another successful breastfeeding relationship, and how that will take up my time every other hour of the day; or how my husband and I will need to divide up the bath and bedtime routines, and I worry. I worry she’s going to feel abandoned, or replaced. I worry I won’t be able to meet all her needs when that’s all I want to do. I worry she’s going to think she did something to cause this change, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Mostly, I worry she’s going to think I love her less and her brother more, when I already know that could never be.