I’ve been reflecting a lot about this journey into parenthood. At first, it was about how our lives will be different and what we’ll have to sacrifice. To be honest, in the beginning I did feel like I was going to have to sacrifice a lot. Having a baby meant I would have to put my career ambitions on hold. On a broader level, it meant I would have to give up my freedom and independence as well as time that I could call my own. It meant my husband and I would no longer be able to come and go as we pleased. Everything that used to be about me would have to be about this unborn child and the family my husband and I are about to create.
The fear and uncertainty that existed in the first few months have all but dissipated. In its place came peace and restless anticipation for our unborn child. With only 6 weeks left, I can say that those things I once thought of as sacrifices don’t seem like much of a sacrifice anymore. I am willing (and wanting) to trade all the independence of youth for the stability, comfort, and love of family. I’ve even seemed to have lost some of my flighty desires to constantly travel and explore and do. The cozy nights at home with my husband are what I look forward to the most these days. I’m perfectly at peace with the life ahead.
Sometimes I feel so in love with her that I don’t know how my heart can take it – it’s this incredibly overwhelming feeling that makes me think my heart is going to pop out of me. Every once in awhile I’ll pause and lay a hand to my chest just to make sure it’s still there.
This process of becoming a mother has also made me see God in a different light. It’s becoming more clear to me why He would want to do anything for us, even as we break His heart again and again. I think that’s exactly how it will be once I become a parent. Noelle will likely break my heart, make choices I don’t agree with, and even hate me at times in the coming years… but I already know in my heart of hearts that I will love her unconditionally and without reserve no matter how deep the cut or how penetrating the pain. We love you Noelle. So much that it hurts. You’re going to be perfect.