Sam and I are reading a new book titled How We Love with a few other married couples at our church. We’ll be meeting up with them about once a month to engage about life and marriage. This book delves deeply into what the authors call “attachment theory”. The authors have identified five different attachment styles, each stemming from one’s childhood. The way we were shown (or not shown) love have a direct impact on how we relate to our spouses and others. Not exactly a new theory, but the book presents some interesting thoughts.
Sam and I have very different attachment styles, and there’s even a whole chapter on us called “The Avoider Marries the Pleaser”.
I have strong Avoider tendencies, but The Pleaser fits Sam like a glove! Do any of those two sound like you? If not, perhaps these other 3 will strike a chord – The Vacillator, The Controller, or The Victim.
People can also be one style with friends and a different one with their spouse.
In the chapter written for us (not really, haha) – “The Avoider Marries the Pleaser” – it explains why we were drawn to each other in the first place.
Initially, avoiders see pleasers as sweet, caring, and attentive. The pleasers’ considerate, thoughtful acts make avoiders feel noticed and special. This feels great because they didn’t get a lot of personal attention growing up. Also, since avoiders are used to taking care of themselves, the pleasers’ acts of kindness are pleasant and enjoyable.
Pleasers like the consistency, strength, confidence, and even temperament of avoiders. Furthermore, avoiders are easy to please because they don’t expect much out of a relationship. So pleasers feel successful…
Already pretty interesting! I’m looking forward to digging deeper into this book with other couples. It’ll be good for us to see how others fight and how they work through their issues as well as for us to have a place to share too. It’s even more crucial now that we have a baby on the way.